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August 2,, 2001
Prime Time Canceled
By Dave Sabo
HoustonProFootball.com

Thank you, Marty Schottenheimer!!

Some six months after telling Deadskins owner, Li’l Danny Snyder, to sit in the corner, shut the hell up and stick to signing the checks, Schottenheimer has succeeded in forcing no-talent ass-clown and Snyder signee, Deion “Pine Time” Sanders, into retirement.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And he delivers in July.

For months, Sanders and Schottenheimer have been staring each other down…well, Marty’s been staring, anyway. Deion’s been whining like a little girl. 

First, it was that Marty Schottenheimer was mean to him. Then, it was Ray Rhodes was forced out of town and he (Deion) hadn’t been consulted. Finally, he’d had it with those bastards in the stands that had the gall to boo him!

Well, Marty is a hard-ass and he would expect Deion to practice and perform at a level commensurate with his salary (two things former head coaches Norv Turner and Terry Robiskie let him slide on). Further, Ray Rhodes wasn’t forced out of town; he left on his own accord. At a full sprint no less. All the money in the world wouldn’t have kept Rhodes around and it was the utter lack of effort on the parts of slackers like Deion that sent him on his way.  “Pine Time” is in town for a season and he wants to be consulted on the matter? Riiiiiiiiight. Finally, why wouldn’t fans boo his tired act? Jeez, it was annoying when he was the best cover corner in the history of the game. But after taking Deadskins legend and nicest guy in football today, Darrell Green’s, job and making virtually no contribution (more on that in a bit), he should thank ‘Skins fans for not dragging him out back and beating him to death. He used to play for the Cryboys, for cripes sake!!

The simple fact of the matter is, now that the meddlesome Snyder is out of the way, the ‘Skins are Marty’s team. And while they’ll probably have a worse record this year than last, it won’t be because a bunch of over-priced has-beens are smokin’ and jokin’ their way to the pay window. Schottenheimer sent guys like Irving Fryar, Mark Carrier and Dana Stubblefield packing before he got to town (he sacked Snyder lackey and “GM” Vinny Ceratto, too). He’d have included Deion as well, but there was the small matter of his ludicrous contract and the ensuing cap hit to consider. Plus, I like to think that Marty really wanted to stick it to a jackass like Deion.

The drama began when the ‘Skins decided not to release him even after he made a crass statement to the effect that he’d would enjoy soaking the ‘Skins for his $8 million signing bonus while having to do nothing in return. At the time, he was hitting .459 for the Reds AAA affiliate in Louisville. He was promoted to the Majors shortly thereafter.

After going 3 for 3 with a homer in his Reds debut, Deion looked to be in the driver’s seat. He had been taking every opportunity to bad-mouth the ‘Skins and Schottenheimer and continued to gloat about how he’d be taking all that money for nothing. Meanwhile, Schottenheimer, whenever asked about the situation, would smile and politely say that he and the ‘Skins wished Deion well and if and when the time came, fully expected him to honor his contractual obligation to the ‘Skins.

Eventually, God proved that he has a sense of humor when “Part Time” got himself benched inside of three weeks by failing to hit his weight. Schottenheimer, grinning like the Cheshire Cat, said that he was looking forward to seeing Deion in camp.

After embarrassing both himself and the Reds in all facets of the game, Deion was put on waivers. Toronto GM, Gord Ash, after what I can only guess was a long night of crack smoking, actually picked him up and assigned him to AAA Syracuse where he actually hit worse than the .173 he put up in Cincy. He and his agent then began an intense campaign to get Deion promoted to the Jays. After busting their collective gut laughing, the Jays declined.

So, Deion up and quit on the Jays last Wednesday. And nobody was looking more forward than I to watching him drag his sorry carcass into ‘Skins training camp. I figured it couldn’t get any better than that.

I was wrong.

Unable to bear the humiliation of being forced to do the single thing he didn’t want to do, Deion retired. Actually, he quit sometime in camp last season, but we were forced to watch his clown act anyway. Not this year. Thanks to Marty  Schottenheimer, Deion Sanders will never play football in the NFL again. At least not without giving back a huge chunk of that $7.5 million signing bonus, anyway.

Yes, Deion gets the money for nothing, but Schottenheimer has taken away the one thing Deion craves more than cash: the spotlight. Because the ‘Skins own his rights for the next seven years, if he wants to play football again, it’ll have to be for Marty and the ‘Skins.

And my guess is that he wouldn’t play anyway. Champ Bailey is head and shoulders above him now.  Darrell Green was better than Deion last year (guess who’s taking over punt returns? Yup, forty-one year-old Darrell Green) and still would be this year. Basically, “Pine Time” would be battling Fred Smoot for the third defensive back job. Yes, the next best thing to not seeing Deion at all would be seeing him pout on the bench, although I’m sure he’d find a way to make an ass of himself as soon as he knew he was on camera.

So, Deion’s gone. Not with a bang, but with a whimper. No press conference. No tearful thanks to his Lord and Savior. No glorious exit with the highlight reels rolling. Nope, just a kick in the ass and an exit amidst snickers. As a friend of mine likes to say in these situations, “That’s what you GET!”

I’m going to remember Deion as a greedy SOB that got his money at the expense of any redeeming legacy; a pompous show-off that got lit up by the woeful Charlie Batch and the Detroit Lions; the poster boy for quite possibly the most over-rated and over-hyped team in NFL history.  The play I’ll remember him for is the punt return from last season where he ran around waving his arms like an idiot and pointing to the sky…and then fumbled. I’ll remember that he was booed off his home field on a regular basis. I’ll remember him as a truly despicable example of a “football player”, an utter jackass that always felt he was bigger than the game and never failed to put himself, his ego and his checkbook before his team and the game.

But mostly I’ll remember him as a pathetic idiot in a pimp suit that felt the world owed him whatever he felt it did. I won’t miss him and I can’t imagine why anybody will.

Eat it, Deion.

Dave Sabo is an Archives Specialist with the National Archives and Records Administration. A native of Spring, TX and a life-long Oiler fan, he’s currently now languishing in the heart of Redskins country (Laurel, MD), and hates Daniel Snyder. Deion Sanders Deion Sanders Return to Houston Pro Football If you have a question, comment or suggestion, contact Dave Catch up on past installments of The Armchair Quarterback